i've been diagnosed with both depression & ADD.
about 2 years ago, i was in college & exploring "the work force" & living at home with my mother. i was also starting to become very involved in the performing arts.
i was/am scared to death of the world and people..unless i'm onstage.
the second i hit 21, i got thrown out of my mother's house without warning. then she went off & married some guy.
for 6 months i was on the street & was homeless for a year...couch surfing & totally clueless about what to do with myself, not to mention sick with bronchitis & with terrible athsma.
eventually i found an inexpensive room with an old friend. there i isolated & healed myself.
unfortunately, although i'm physically ok now, i've felt the same since my experiences of being out in the cold & sick.
i fear the world & it's coldness. i don't want to work or be a part of it.
all i want to do is perform bc it's the only thing i do well.
so far, i hooked up with a man twice my age & we moved in together. & just like every relationship i've had, it's intense, dramatic & totally dysfunctional at times.
but he's...uh, keeping me alive.
i want to get out from under, but i have no idea what i want to do, besides sing & dance & make sound collages.
i buckle under the pressure of interviews & then lash out at the interviewer.
i make excuses thinking, whatever i do i'm supporting the evil of the world.
i frequently zone out & forget what people are saying to me.
actually it's not as bad as it sounds on the whole, but at times, it's worse.
i get apathetic & have no clue why i'm on this planet bc really i don't want anything from it. when i think about it, i just want it over already.
i never get involved in the moment anymore. i'm paranoid & watchful. can't sit down & read a book.
st john's wort works to some extent which is a total relief.
but ahhh..i need someone who understands.
so progress that i've made: i've stopped cutting myself! (huuuge breakthrough), started taking vitamins, i do yoga, i discovered how to keep the fighting to a minimum (but that doesn't stop him from making me FEEL like killing him & myself sometimes), i'm less scared of talking to people, i realize now that people aren't constantly judging me.
but i want to fill this hole in my life. i want to know the zen of work & be able to live a relaxed life.
there are so many things i didn't write about here, but believe me, in my tender years; i've had enough excitement for one lifetime. i want things to be boring for a change.
if i could concentrate on 1 damn thing, i'd publish a few books.