yoot_faari (yoot_faari) wrote in depression_add,

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ok i'll go first got nothing to loose..

hello my name is simone, i live in new york city & i'm 23 years old.

i've been diagnosed with both depression & ADD.

about 2 years ago, i was in college & exploring "the work force" & living at home with my mother. i was also starting to become very involved in the performing arts.
i was/am scared to death of the world and people..unless i'm onstage.

the second i hit 21, i got thrown out of my mother's house without warning. then she went off & married some guy.
for 6 months i was on the street & was homeless for a year...couch surfing & totally clueless about what to do with myself, not to mention sick with bronchitis & with terrible athsma.
eventually i found an inexpensive room with an old friend. there i isolated & healed myself.

unfortunately, although i'm physically ok now, i've felt the same since my experiences of being out in the cold & sick.
i fear the world & it's coldness. i don't want to work or be a part of it.
all i want to do is perform bc it's the only thing i do well.
so far, i hooked up with a man twice my age & we moved in together. & just like every relationship i've had, it's intense, dramatic & totally dysfunctional at times.
but he's...uh, keeping me alive.

i want to get out from under, but i have no idea what i want to do, besides sing & dance & make sound collages.
i buckle under the pressure of interviews & then lash out at the interviewer.
i make excuses thinking, whatever i do i'm supporting the evil of the world.
i frequently zone out & forget what people are saying to me.

actually it's not as bad as it sounds on the whole, but at times, it's worse.

i get apathetic & have no clue why i'm on this planet bc really i don't want anything from it. when i think about it, i just want it over already.
i never get involved in the moment anymore. i'm paranoid & watchful. can't sit down & read a book.

st john's wort works to some extent which is a total relief.

but ahhh..i need someone who understands.


so progress that i've made: i've stopped cutting myself! (huuuge breakthrough), started taking vitamins, i do yoga, i discovered how to keep the fighting to a minimum (but that doesn't stop him from making me FEEL like killing him & myself sometimes), i'm less scared of talking to people, i realize now that people aren't constantly judging me.

but i want to fill this hole in my life. i want to know the zen of work & be able to live a relaxed life.
there are so many things i didn't write about here, but believe me, in my tender years; i've had enough excitement for one lifetime. i want things to be boring for a change.
if i could concentrate on 1 damn thing, i'd publish a few books.
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a bunch of this resonates with me. the zoning out, the paranoia thing, well not paranoia exaclty, it's more like getting over involved and then relating it unnecessarily to yourself. I've also seen making things too complicated to be another one with me and folks I've talked to.

I had good luck with tricyclics. there are a few generics that are affordable enough to take if you don't have insurance. Comparable in cost to St John's wart but they work better.

As for vitamins I read a thing about omega 3/6 but I'm not totally sure of the veracity of the source.

What exactly is bc? I don't recognise the acronym. The routine of a job can really help. even just with getting up in the morning and being accountable to something. For a pointless no experience necessary job dishwashing isn't bad. It's physical enough to keep your stuff moving and because you stand in one place you stay reminded of what's going on and don't get lost. It's fairly meditative.

How did you successfully post to the site btw? I tried it and failed.
you have to join the community before you can post.

bc = because

thanks for replying, i could really use some imput.
Check out wellbutrin--I started on it in January and I can't believe how it has changed my life. It's like this magic drug that heals both my ADD and depression--with minor (if any) side effects!

I seriously know how you were feeling when you wrote this. It's really sad to look back on my past and see so m uch wasted time due to my inability to do anything.

There are a lot of good supplements you can take for this stuff as well. St. John's wort is not one of them. I actually believe there are scientific studies showing that it does absolutely nothing. You'd be better off with 5-HTP, DLPA, L-tyrosine, DMAE, a B-100 complex, etc.

Goood luck! (and if you are the mod of this community, I suggest you add "wellbutrin" to the interests).
hi simone,

my name is Crystal and i live in chicago. i also have ADD and suffer from depresion and like you i usually shut the world out becuase i dont want to deal with it nor be a part of it...but what i have learned is that life is one of the biggest stages you will ever find and you can change your character with every new audiance or with every new day. i also have empathy issues. everything just seems so strong and load sometimes...well most of the time actually. you can slowly learn how to deal with people again but it does take time and the balls to go out there and not disappear into the backround. anyway if you need someone to talk to feel free to IM me. Tumtuger on aim. good luck to you.
so this psychologist I talked to said thaht a lot of ADD kids are what's called "co-morbid" meaning that we "also suffer from" So, I guess that's somethign at least.